#500: Arcade Fire, ‘Funeral’
Merge, 2004
12-year-old Nicolle thought this album was trash. It was too electronic and “fake” to be real music. I was a purist and believed the only music that is music is that of guitars and bongos. AND all my music opinions were obviously morally superior. We love 12-year-old Nicolle. We honor her but we have changed.
This album makes me feel emotional in a very chaotic way. It is about loss. I planned on listening to the whole thing on a plane ride last week but about 25 minutes into the album, a family friend spotted me and we started to talk. We talked about my family. I told her about my nephew, Warren, who was born with a perfect body but no heartbeat.
We talked about my health and my “come to Jesus” moment when I found my RA is so severe I most likely won’t be able to have my own children. I said bland stuff like, “I am grateful I never felt that my worth was determined by my status as a mother” and “I have never craved having a baby.” yadda.
I did not tell her that I always thought I would be a cute pregnant lady. Over the years, I’ve looked at my closet and thought, “gee wiz, these are just loose enough for my future pregnant body.” I don’t feel despair but I do feel loss.
Why did I tell this family friend all of this? Well, the word, “baby” is littered throughout the first 25 minutes of ‘Funeral’ and, boy, was it on my mind. Baby, baby, baby.
I got off the plane, said goodbye and didn’t think about babies for the rest of the day.
Today, I went on a walk and started the album over and listened to the whole thing. The songs did not make me cry but they did make me feel anxious. I don’t know what to do with these losses. This is not an album to lay down and just soak in. It is made of the stuff that tells you to jump around and yell and cry and laugh and just experience each frustrating aspect of mourning. I finished the album, pressed stop on my phone and walked back to the house in silence. I took my headphones off and washed my face.
Top tracks: Neighborhood #4 (7 Kettles), In the Backseat